The Lesbian (“Lebbi”) in Me

Here’s something I wrote on in my other blog and also submitted to Lit as a personal essay. So I’ll re-blog it here and also provide the link to the essay on the site. They’re pretty much identical, I’ll just make it easy for Readers to have both resources available.

However, this is an autobiography, but this version in the blog is directly copied from my other blog, and doesn’t have anything to do with my Lit stories. The link version on the Lit site has a little to do with them, but not a whole lot. So if you’re more interested in my stories, you may wish to skip this one. It’s more of an M.R.A. rant than an erotic literature dissertation.

Why’s this in the Lit blog then? Well, to give you some insight into myself and how it may dictate some of my writing, and also to illustrate why I have devoted so much of it and so many stories to lovable lesbians and their relationships.

So here’s the link—
“The Lebbi In Me”
...And here’s the text.

This is a collection of thoughts and feelings of mine all kind of relating back to one of two large, expansive veins. And those veins would be gynephilia, and gender identity. So even though I’m a man, this is mostly about loving women, and wishing I was one.

Gynephilia, in case anyone’s unaware, is the state of being romantically/sexually interested in and attracted to women. As opposed to androphilia, which is the, eh...supposed converse interest in men. (That covers love—using the same word roots, if you’re misogynistic, you hate women, if you’re misandric, you hate men—but this article isn’t going to be too much about hate.) And so gynephiles, as logical reason and deduction indicate, are straight men and gay women—of which I happen to be the former. But—and this is where things begin to get a little bemusing—I’ve always kind of wished I was the latter.

I didn’t think such a concept as a “male lesbian” existed, until I looked it up one day, to find, to my astonishment, that apparently, yes, other gentlemen such as myself in fact do exist, and there’re articles devoted to this division of us online for guidance. Seriously, I’m not kidding; look it up! The first thing you’ll probably see is the first one I read, which almost perfectly describes me—really, just to a tee. About 80-90% of it is absolutely true in regards to my persona/identity. And so while I speak for myself and my own experiences, let me take you through this article first just to brief you.

“Male lesbians” (I’m putting it in quotation marks ’cause it’s still a relatively unknown phenom) are straight men who basically wish they’d been born women (check—that’s me), but still can’t imagine not being attracted to women sexually (also check). After covering this, the article states that they (the male lesbians) have no desire to have a sex change (check—a bit more on that later). However, they...

...*big breath*...

...“Deeply envied the prerogatives of the female gender and truly believed that these prerogatives fitted their own inborn temperaments far more harmoniously than the pattern of behavioural expectations to which males are required to adhere.” Check x1,000.

Here’s the next chunk also in quote form: “The male lesbian...wishes that he had been born a woman. But he always makes it clear that if he indeed had been born a woman he would be a full-fledged lesbian. In other words, he would want to socialize exclusively with women and he would choose female partners exclusively for love-making and for sex-making activity. In short, a secret fantasy of many male lesbians is to be a beautiful woman who lives with and makes love with another beautiful woman. The male lesbian reluctantly accepts the fact that he is male. Male lesbians don’t have any transvestite tendencies or any urge to dress up as a woman or to put on lipstick or nail polish, etc.” Also all right on the money.

It’s mind-blowing to me; I simply cannot describe how dead-on accurate most of this is, at least in my case. Paraphrasing now: most of us never cared for our own gender so much—true—envied girls’ play groups and activities growing up—sort of true—girls’ groups and activities being more their natural terrain—sort of true too. And back to quoting verbatim:

“From a very early age in life onward, the male lesbians feel somehow ‘different’ from their male peers.” Check... “And so the male lesbian (1) does not want to play with males, (2) does not want to make love to or experience sex with males, (3) does not have male recreational interests, and (4) does not even want to procreate male children.” Well, my wife and I don’t wish to procreate any children, but check regardless. Following this paragraph is a list of characteristics typical of male lesbians, and just copying it down here’s liable to make me look exceedingly lazy, but nevertheless, still hits the proverbial nail right square on the proverbial head. Many male lesbians:

• Often feel women are more privileged than men (unbelievably true)

• Are in below-average physical shape as a group (eh...kinda true, I guess)

• Tend to be less interested in sports (true)

• Tend to be more interested in movies and music... (true)

• Place great, often disproportionate importance on physical beauty, especially facial beauty (true—how’d they know that?)

• Are not as likely to be interested in male friendships (true)

• Are less patriotic (don’t see how that directly relates, but true)

• Are less religious (ditto, true)...

...Hmmm...okay, and then there are a few that’re less applicable; I’ll just give you the rest that happen to be true of me.

• Develop interest in females at an earlier age than usual, particularly in the third to fifth grade range

• Are sometimes passive-aggressive

• Are melancholic (clinical depression, speaking for myself)

• Have low energy levels

• Were usually quiet as infants

• Often have (had) tense, nervous, angry and/or two-faced mothers...

• Often have no sisters

• Often are very serious

• Often go through an excessive amount of psychological trauma of which love/shyness can be aftermath

• Grew up in isolation

• Like girls, but are afraid to talk to them because they’re afraid of rejection (well, I’m married, but if I weren’t, yes, this’d also be true)

So, there I am in a nutshell. I guess saying I wish I’d been born a girl and essentially hate being a man is as good a place to start as any. I wish Kate Bush had been able to close that deal of hers with God she was trying to make in 1985, to change us around so that women could know what it’s like to be men and men could know what it’s like to be women.

I can’t help believing a number of life aspects would be easier were I born a girl. It’s the feeling I get, at any rate. These are at least things I think would be easier. You can throw a “probably” in the middle of each of these. Just for example:

It wouldn’t be so okay or funny to strike me or mock me, someone might stand up to defend me if I were, I might actually be told I’m attractive once in a while, my body could be softer and curvier, I wouldn’t always feel portrayed like a villain, no one’d be physically scared or threatened by me—for no reason other than I’m about six feet tall—I’d be able to make friends more easily, get dates more easily (hypothetically; like I said, I’m married), my problems would be taken seriously, no one would refuse to believe me or laugh at me had I confessed to being violated in some way...I wouldn’t have to worry about being falsely (or genuinely) accused of any instance of assault or harassment, I wouldn’t feel always stereotyped as an unfavorable person even though I haven’t personally done anything wrong, I’m pretty certain I’d care more for things about myself like...oh, my voice, my appearance...I’d be better at just plain talking to people, I’m sure, undoubtedly with much more experience, I wouldn’t have to be so gosh-darn shy...you get the idea.

The physical appeal is much more significant to me than should be. Guys tell women how beautiful they are all the time, and other women also tell women how beautiful they are all the...well, some of the time. But men? Not so much. If a woman does think a man is attractive, is there something preventing her from just telling him so? Even a little something as small and insignificant as a simple “you look nice today”?

Of course—warning: titty talk—it helps that girls have the glory of the boobies. Who doesn’t love breasts? Some think the penis isn’t that attractive and some think the vagina isn’t that attractive, but seriously, who doesn’t love breasts?! I know, if they’re too big they hurt your back, and they get in the way, and other women resent you for having them, and it’s hard enough already for a well-endowed woman to find a good over-her-shoulder boulder-holder, but especially if she’s older and outside it’s colder and the salesperson’s told her and also cajoled her and then had to scold her that once it they had sold her, she’d have to fold her boulders up to fit in the holder.

As for male beauty, much as I’d like to, I can’t comment on that. I’m glad to say that I know there are true androphiles out there, women and gay men who genuinely really love men—lots of them, all kinds of them—some even enough to enjoy gay male erotica or porn. I find that pretty cool, not that I could ever go anywhere near it. Clearly, I’m not male-homophobic, my wife and I have a couple gay guy friends who are married to each other, and they’re great dudes, I can simply do without watching, writing or reading about two (or more) men having sex. There’s nothing wrong with that. So I haven’t and won’t in the future be watching anything like...oh, say, Brokeback Mountain.

But back to the lesbis—by the by, did you notice there’s apparently no female version of Brokeback Mountain? Is there anything like that film, any girl equivalent of it? Any big cinematic lesbian romance masterpiece? Would it be successful at all? We have lesbian movies and TV shows here and there, of course, but they’re not exactly super smash hit A-list material like ol’ B.M. there, are they? Does the American public or entertainment industry have some kind of problem with decent amounts of attention and equal time devoted to lebbis? Seriously, just flip on the tube, you can find multiple gay guys virtually anywhere you look. Queer Eye. Will & Grace. Glee. But...

Well, okay. For five years in the noughties (that’d be the decade between the 1990s and 2010s), we did have a little lesbian party going on on Showtime. But other than that, if you want to see them regularly, I think you have to go to LoGo—excluding Mrs. DeGeneres. She came out on her show in the ‘90s and kerplunk—cancellation city. She tried again in 2001 and that didn’t fly either. Yet put a couple gay dudes on TV and their show can run on any network for a decade.

Furthermore, lesbians have a very small community. There are (or seem to be) fewer of them than anyone or any other group of people on Earth. I have however managed to hunt around and track down a good, healthy heap of lesberotica and other lebbi material that is available, so there’s enough of it to keep me occupied. I just wish they could be more represented in a bright light the way the gay guys and heteros are. I was however pleased to find there’re a lot of books of both lesbian fiction and nonfiction. (I like reading those because it provides good research and ideas for my Literotica stories, and it’s also fun!)

So why am I so obsessed with lebbis (I am, trust me, “obsessed” is the right word)? Well, aside from all that stuff near the beginning of this writing about being a “male lesbian” (still in quotation marks), here’s the other big reason. I’m very sensitive about my gynephilia. And I don’t really have anybody with whom to bond over it. There are other dudes, but, well, for my take on the majority of them, I refer you back to the article I was quoting. I have my Dad and my brother, and...that’s about it. There’s not exactly a line winding around the block to be pals with me. I don’t have any really close friends, never had the knack for making (and keeping) them, and my only semi-close friends are all hetero women. Oh, and those couple gay men I brought up earlier. And they can’t relate to me on this. They’re alleged androphiles.

The reason I say “alleged” is, you can have folks claiming to be attracted to men, yet they don’t really back up this claim so convincingly, do they? Have you ever listened to the way women, often in groups, talk about men in general? YIKES! Good frickin’ Lord, you’d think we all just slithered out of the sewer or something. Well, we hetero ones, anyway. I can’t tell you how infuriated that makes me. I have no issues with gay guys, but I do have an issue with being negatively compared to them. I get just a little irritated when women say things like—I have on more than one occasion heard these things said, perhaps you have too—“Oh, gay guys are the best—they make the best friends, they’re the most sensitive, and they don’t want anything from you.”

Well, you have the right to choose your own best friends, but “most sensitive”? All guys are different. I’m straight, and happen to be very sensitive, if you couldn’t tell already. And “don’t want anything from you”? This description would appear to indicate that gay guys are somehow “better” than straight guys, or that a straight guy cannot be friends with a woman without wanting her to grant him sexual favors. He doesn’t want anything from you, but any and all straight guys automatically would? He “doesn’t want anything” from you? He may not want a roll in the hay, but I bet if you offer him your friendship, he’ll take that.

Most of my friends, like I said, are in fact women, and believe it or not, sorry to shatter your illusions, but I actually can and do keep my libido in check in their company. I’ve been in a committed relationship for a long time now, and—call me crazy—I happen to believe in fidelity. Now, I get that a chick might want to just be able to go to the mall or the store and not be hit on by a guy. Fine. If a woman really gets hit on this often, then she’s got a right to be a little relaxed around a guy she knows is gay. But unless she’s being approached and teed up on by literally every last man who notices her existence, without a single exception, I’d appreciate it if she did the rest of us straight ones a favor and didn’t generalize us. Oh, does that p¡$$ me off. Opinions are like armpits; everybody’s got a couple, and most of them stink.

I would say the same thing about gay women—i.e., that they’re the best friends and don’t want anything from us—but it would only sound redundant and unoriginal at this point, and wouldn’t really accomplish anything. I often think if I have to be a man, it’d be easier being a gay one. It sounds backwards, I know, but they do seem to be more “acceptable.” Yeah, het-girls claim to be straight, yet most of them have lesbian tendencies, and they don’t seem to like guys very much.

Can I share a little story with you, just to vent? I actually heard this said in a college classroom where I was alone with a young woman and an older woman, and the younger one said, out loud, right in front of me, the words, “All the good guys are dating each other.” Or maybe it was “The only good guys are dating each other.” Anyway, the older one immediately responded with an emphatic, “Oh, honey, I KNOW!”

...

Right?

In case you couldn’t see there, I was rolling my eyes.

They knew full well I was there, they could clearly see me in their presence, and yet very enthusiastically expressed this mutual, repulsively archaic thought perfectly audibly anyway. Perhaps they thought I was gay...but somehow I doubt that. Suffice it to say, had I anything that could have been utilized as a weapon with me that day, I would be dead right now.

Okay, that’s not really true.

Well...it’s not totally true.

I don’t mean to get overly dramatic on you, or cry you a river, Dear Reader, but my depression, combined with the inability to be the person I would like to be inside, plus about a dozen other personal issues, semi-frequently translates into my suicidal thoughts and desires mentioned in earlier entries.

Anyway, getting back to my college anecdote, in reply to their comment, “the only good guys are dating each other,” again, it crossed my mind to say, “Oh, yeah? Well, so are the only decent women!” but I didn’t. For four reasons. 1) If there was only one of them there, a comment like that might have made a dent in her, but not with two of them, so I knew it wouldn’t accomplish anything, 2) it seemed unoriginal at that point, and would’ve just sounded like I was angrily volleying it back at them, meaning that 3) it would only have dragged me down to that level, and 4) it’s not in my belief. I believe that there are good men, not so good men, good women and not so good women (all of which can be applied to straight or gay).

So...I have mixed feelings about just letting that slide. On the one point, I’m proud of myself for not promptly lashing out at them and losing my temper and coming close to proving their point, but on the other hand I’m not really proud of myself for just sitting there and letting them get away with it, either. I didn’t defend myself. I suppose what I should have done, and should do if it happens again, is just look at them and calmly, rationally address them, saying, “Excuse me, but I’m straight, and I happen to be a genuinely good man, thanks and excuse me very much. And I find that pretty offensive and just wrong, honestly.” I still don’t think it would really achieve anything or change their minds, but at least I’d have spoken my piece and attempted to stand up for myself.

If you’re a gentleman, you probably know what I’m talking about. Especially if you’ve had classes or a job with women. It doesn’t really matter how they may feel individually. Once they get in a group, apparently they bond by verbally male-bashing. It’s a given that at least a few of them have had dates or relationships with men that probably haven’t gone so well, and whether whatever happened was actually the guy’s fault or not, they find it perfectly acceptable—hell, laudable, even—to say downright awful, outrageously insulting things about the entirety of us, whether there are men present at the time or not, and regardless of how the men there may feel about it. I have witnessed it firsthand, over and over again, in the numerous short-term jobs I’ve held. A few times it’s bothered me to the point where I’ve gotten up and left the room.

Of course—this is anger talking now—if you say something like you’re a man and don’t appreciate that, they’re liable to hit you with the old standby excuse, “It’s a joke.” No, a joke is when you make someone laugh. Jokes are humorous. If it’s a joke, what are you trying to say then, you didn’t really mean it? And if you didn’t mean it, why’d you say it to begin with? If that’s a joke, then please do me the courtesy of what you call “joking” someplace and sometime when I’m not around, how ‘bout it.

Then there are ones that seem so unhappy they decide they want to convert. You know, “men suck, let’s be lesbians.” And I say, “Good, do it! Start dating chicks! Just try to find yourself the perfect one! See how much fun you have! Then maybe you’ll realize that women aren’t always a bed of roses either and how one-sided, narrow and hateful your pathetic view on men is.” ‘Course, then they might start bashing real lesbians...

You see, and that’s the other reason I think of myself as a guy-lebbi. As much as it steams me when someone verbally trashes men, it’s yet even worse if they trash lesbians. It’s bad enough to hate me for something over which I had no control, but now attacking my gay sisters too? Not cool. So now any person at all who grows up and finds themselves attracted to women is automatically scum?

Let me try to break this down. Who bashes men (the most)? Right, the “straight” women. Why? ’Cause they’re “attracted” to them, go out with them, marry them, make babies with them and spend their lives with them, and then a guy does something they don’t like, they find other women with whom they have this in common, and there you go. They don’t do this with friends. They wouldn’t say these things about every member of a certain ethnicity—unless they want to be called a racist—racism, that’s not okay, so why is this okay? Why’s sexism against men okay (or at least tolerated) but sexism against women isn’t?

But the point I’m trying to reach with this is, people are inclined to bash members of a group to whom they’re romantically “attracted” (or have to be), but no one else. Gay guys are also attracted to men, so sometimes they join in on the ladies’ tirades, and start bashing themselves! And I think they outnumber us (“us” in this case being gynephiles); I think there’re more women than anybody, and certainly more gay men (that I can see) than lesbians. They’re allegedly androphilic—the straight girls and gay guys are—and yet say tons of hurtful things about men. Some guys say bad things about women too, and they’re no better, but I’ve really gotta believe that’s a minority. Most guys love women, and don’t want to say nasty stuff to or about them at all. See now the other reason I like the lebbies a lot? Straight women don’t know that being attracted to and dating them can be just as irritating as is dating us...but lesbians do.

I used to be someone’s lesbro (if you don’t know what a “lesbro” is, it’s the male version of an “‘f’-hag,” a straight man who enjoys and prefers the company of lesbians), but you kinda need at least one lesbuddy for that. I had one for a while, then out of nowhere one day, she friend-dumped me. That really hurt. I’m not gonna go into the reason why, it’s too ridiculous. But I’d still welcome the chance to be someone else’s lesbro, or...another made-up word for it I just recently found: “guyke.” Yeah...I’m not gonna be going by that. I...don’t care for that ‘d’-word that rhymes with “guyke.” I don’t call them “lesbos” either, I think that’s degrading too. I prefer to refer to them as “lesbis.” Or “lebbis.” (In Swedish, the word for it’s just “lebb,” so there you go.)

But getting back to what I was saying, it’s all but impossible for me to so much as meet one, let alone become good friends with her. Besides the way-too-meager number of them around, too many men have already screwed that up for me. I don’t think they like us at all anymore. After the umpteenth one comes up to them and asks if they’re into threesomes, that has to get pretty old. Yeah, he may not have any way of knowing they’re officially gay, they could be bisexual for all he knows, but still.

Speaking of things other guys’ve messed up for me, even though I’m not guilty of this myself, it’s clear to me that men really have the market cornered on...*sigh*...general homophobia. It really makes me feel crappy—which it shouldn’t, I know, I’m not guilty of it—but this is where bad things start to happen. Patterns occurring often enough within in a given group leads to stereotypes and generalizations, which I’m against. The last thing I want anybody to think is that ALL (straight) men are homophobic—and I really don’t think anyone does honestly believe that, but it worries me nonetheless. A great deal of straight men, it looks to me, are seeming to think that other men being gay either 1) lessens, softens, feminizes or threatens their masculinity, 2) are automatically going to try to hit on them, or 3) means that in some other wacky way it somehow messes up the nature of the universe.

And then, oh, this is truly disgusting, but sad to say, a fair deal of guys will see a lesbian (or what to them is a woman claiming to be one), and think, or even worse, say out loud, “Oh, she’s not really a lesbian, all she needs is a good time with ME, heh heh heh!” Pretty revolting, huh? I don’t know if the straight guys just don’t get it, or if they get it but just don’t want to believe or accept it...and even though there are indeed plenty of forward-thinking straight men such as myself who fully accept and welcome gay people into their lives, the anti-gay ones still make me feel pretty lousy and sick about just being born male. Besides which, like a lot of other traits, they make the entirety of us look pretty damaged and deficient as a gender. Hence, these gross, unfair and often downright untrue stereotypes are born.

All that being said, I adore lebbis, of course—enough to give them that cute little nickname—and if I just came out and said that to someone without having explained all the stuff I’ve written here so far, I know exactly what they’d be thinking. So do you. Heh. Yeah, it’s true, honest to goodness, I want to be their friend and vice versa, but just try being a dude and explaining to someone that you want to meet lesbians and be nothing but friends with them. Good luck! That’s not the reason I love them.

...

All right, it’s not the whole reason.

Okay, yes, I won’t lie to you, that is very nice. Lesbians kissing (or doing more than kissing) does give me a warm, fuzzy, tingly feeling inside. It does. Sue me. I adulate women, just love them to death—there’s no mistaking my gynephilia—and just holding and being affectionate with one feels so great. And I want them to be happy, natch, so seeing two (or more) of them both getting to experience that feminine affection with each other, at the same time, what could be better? But the other reason’s the earlier thing I said about wanting someone to bond with over my gynephilia. I hate it. It sucks. Not the women themselves, but being involuntarily drawn to them. That sucks. The temptation if you’re attached and the rejection if you’re not can be unbearable. Why were they created so...beautiful, and...alluring, and...sexy, and...irresistible, and...captivating, and...and...

...I’m sorry, what was my point again?

Kidding. Why did God, or whoever created us, make women so amazing, and us so...ordinary? Really, think about it. How often do you hear a woman describing her guy and calling him a “god,” or saying she married so far way above her “level,” or that he’s out of her “league,” or that he’s so “superior” to her, or way too “good” for her? Never. And I’m no exception; I’m certainly glad I’m married, because among other reasons, she’s the only woman who’s ever been interested in me. Well, visibly. Even if I were single and unattached, I still wouldn’t hit on anybody. Even should someone welcome my approach, how would I know if she’s actually interested or just doesn’t want to hurt my feelings?

Seeing scores of women out and about who are at least very cute if not ravishing, and knowing the chances they might (hypothetically) think the same thing about me are slim, zero and nothing, just...makes me sad. Which I know I shouldn’t be, I’m married, but...just saying. Have you ever been out somewhere and seen a random chick you didn’t know, never met before, and thought, Oh my God...why do you have to be so...pretty, and I so...not? Oh yeah, and then there’s my lovely foot fetish...*sigh*

Guys don’t have that same effect. Women (I’m guessing) don’t see a dude and automatically think, Damn...you’re gorgeous...I like you, but...you probably wouldn’t want me. But lesbians know what it feels like to be drawn to girls. Being girls themselves, I don’t think they have fetishes, but, you get the idea. And I used to say, “Despite what you may have heard about them, they don’t hate men just for being men,” but lately I’m starting to wonder about that, sadly. I also used to say that if lesbians really hated men, I’d feel so hurt, like I was losing my best friend(s), but that may have happened already. I know the straight ones really do hate us. They meet and go out with one or two bad apples, and then doom us all to failure, even though they don’t even know 90% of us personally. It doesn’t matter, suddenly we’re all jerks.

Ever notice in a hetero relationship, whenever anything goes wrong, it’s the guy’s fault? Or at least folks like to say it is? Well, if you have two girls together and something goes wrong...then what? How are you gonna blame that on a guy? I may not be perfect, but I do my best in my relationship, and we don’t have a lot of fights, but when we do, we don’t automatically assign blame where we think it should belong, we just work it out and move on. I went on only a few really lousy, crummy dates when I was a teenager before I met the lady who’s now my wifey, and had my heart broken a couple times, but it didn’t make me hate every girl on the planet. I’ve been mistreated by women before, but it’s hardly made me a misogynist.

So basically, to recap...I think of myself and identify as a male lesbian—even if it’s a concept hardly anyone understands—and my love for the female gender runs deeper than the ocean, even though I’m sad and wistful the sentiment doesn’t seem to be reciprocated. I’ve done just so much admiring and longing and dreaming, but at a certain point, after feeling like this long enough with a lack of own self-worth, -confidence and -esteem, my sense of wonder and awe in the marvel of a comely lass has kind of started to dwindle lately, for the same reason I explained in another entry for being out of attention to give.

It probably sounds dismal, but with the way my mindset is right now, I’m not really bouncing-off-the-walls ecstatic in my day-to-day life. The world isn’t going to change just because I want it to...I guess the only thing I can do is work towards changing my outlook on things. And just hope one day to strike up a friendship with a nice, real lesbian girl (at least one, if possible) to whom I might mean as much as she would to me. Well, I’m bringing it to a halt finally. Cheers, everybody. Sweet dreams.